I Had No Idea
by theBuffster
Summary: AU. "When we first met I had no idea that you would be so important to me."
1. Meet My Best Friend

I came up behind my best friend and covered his eyes. "Guess who?," I whispered against his ear.

"Buffy Anne Summers," he responded enthusiastically.

At his guess, I removed my hands from Angel's eyes and sat down beside him. I turned to him. "So, what's up?," I asked as I ate one of the chips from the bowl in front of Angel.

He likes eating chips. I know that because he's my best friend. And he always had been.

"School. We'll be back in less than a week and I still want summer to last forever. This sucks," he said nonchalantly. "I don't. Want. To go."

I chuckled at his stubbornness. I slapped him playfully at his shoulder. "Ah, come on! Look on the bright side, there could be new cute girls for you to choose from!" And I cannot believe I just said that. If Angel was going to go with the idea, I am is so dead. _I love Angel so much._ And I couldn't afford to lose him. And also, I can't tell him how I really feel. He's too important to me. I'm just afraid if he found out how I felt, he might avoid me because he doesn't feel the same. _Just brilliant, Buffy. Just brilliant. Now he's never going to see how much he means to you_, I thought.

Angel's eyes widened in excitement as he stiffened in his seat. He happily took my hand. And let me tell you he has the most beautiful hand ever. It's so soft and gentle when he holds my hand. I could faint in his arms right now but I'll fight it for now. "You are the best friend ever! You're so smart! Now I have another reason to go to school. Shop for girls."

My brows furrowed in confusion but I was partying inside because Angel was holding my hand. "What's the other reason?"

"You, silly!," he said enthusiastically. He lightly pinched my cheek.

I looked down to hide my now burning cheeks. Why does he have to be so sweet?

"Oh," I said in a small voice. "Why?"

Angel took my chin between his two fingers and lifted my head up a little. It made me look deep into his dark eyes and into his soul. I'm kidding. I don't know what his soul should look like. "Because you're my best friend. And I can't get through school without you. I get nervous. I get really uncomfortable around new and old people at school. I get really bored because there's no one I can talk to. Then I remember you and I tell myself 'I have my Buffy.'"

I couldn't help but blush and it was embarrassing. Why? This is Angel! Angel! The guy I had a crush on since I was five and the guy I loved since I was eleven. And it was getting really hard when he says sweet things to me. "Really?," I asked sweetly but I tried to keep my cool. That speech was amazing. I have the most amazing best friend ever. Yeah. Best. _FRIEND. _I'll always be the FRIEND to him. Nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to be with him so much but my mouth couldn't say anything - the way I really feel about him and how much I want him. But I never have him. He deserves more than I could ever give. He needs someone who's better than I am. I'm pretty much a loser and he needs someone who's _way much_ cooler than I am.

Angel smiled at me as he removed his hand from my face. And he has the sweetest smile. "Yeah. I need you, you know."

I smiled at him. He needs me. He really does? I'm not sure. "Yeah. Thanks."

"For what?"

"I'm just thankful that somebody needs me. It feels great."

Angel nodded. "I know right?," he said then he chuckled. He patted my head playfully as he stood up. "Come on, sweetie. Wanna ride the old swings again? You know, just like we used to when we were kids?," he said as he reached his hand out for me.

I smiled. I love it when he brings up happy moments from our past that are still vivid to me too. I took hold of his hand and he squeezed mine lightly. "Okay."

He pulled my to his side and put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. Then we headed out of the door of his house. Oh, right. I forgot to mention that I come to his house _ALL THE TIME. _It's somewhere I'm always at. I always hang out with Angel and his little sister, Katy. But she's a different story. Katy's best friends with my little sister, Dawn.

Anyway, Angel took me to the park where we used to go as kids and where we go when we have to talk about something that interests us. But mostly we just go there for fun. And whenever we want to. It's fun.

* * *

><p>Angel sat on the swing opposite mine. It's always the same position: I was always on the blue one and he on the yellow one. It was cute. Once, when I was eleven we wore shirts that match the color of the swings. I laughed at how silly we were.<p>

ANYWAY, again! Sorry, I get all the childhood memories when I'm with him and sometimes ALL THE TIME. Okay, I think about all of our memories all the time.

We started to rock the swings higher and I closed my eyes when the gentle wind caressed my face. I smiled.

"Hey! Careful, now, sweetie. You might fall," I heard him say.

I opened my eyes and stopped my swing. "I am careful. I'm not gonna fall."

"Good. You better not. Because the last time you-"

I held up my hand to cut him off. "Please. Don't make me remember. It was a horrible fall."

Angel laughed hard at me.

I frowned. "Hey! Stop it. You're so mean."

He stopped and came over at me and hugged me. "Sorry. I was just playing." Then he pulled me to my feet and we started to walk. "Let's go home. This place gets boring every time we're here."

I stopped walking. I pulled my hand away from his. I looked at him in disbelief. This place means _A LOT_ to me. And I mean_ A LOT_, damn it! This was the place we first met. The place where he first held my hand. The place where he first pushed me on the swings. The place where he first guided me on the slides. The place where he first hugged me. The place where he first kissed my cheek. The place where - wait, I'm panting, I'm panting. I'm saying a lot, am I? Sorry. This place really means a lot to me. A lot of things has happened here. Things that I will forever remember.

I continued to stare at him. I was hurt by the words he said.

"Hey, what's wrong?," he asked me carefully.

"You said this place was boring," I told him softly.

"So...?," he asked confusingly.

"So? So? Do you not remember everything that happened in this place? Everything we did here? As kids? This place may be boring to you but this means a lot to me! And when I say A LOT I mean my childhood and it also means my life, Angel!," I paused. I think I just overreacted. But... I meant everything in what I said. "Sorry. It's just-"

"Buffy," he said softly. He took my hand. He looked down at me with comforting eyes. "I'm sorry. I- I don't even know what I just said."

I walked away. I left him there. Now, I can feel his eyes on my back.

Another night to cry for him was waiting for me.


	2. First Day Of School

So yeah.

Angel and I made up. It always happens instantly whenever we have a misunderstanding. He called five minutes earlier and said he was very sorry. I told him that it's alright. Then he went on by telling me everything that we did in that park.

I laughed as I reminisced the memories we had there. He reminded me that that was the place where we first hugged. I think all the firsts happened there. Almost but not all, of course.

And, as usual, he's still in my mind. He's always the first thought I have in the morning and the last thought before I go to sleep. That's how crazy I am about him! It's just... he's not crazy about me. I'm best friend girl. No one important, I guess. And it breaks my heart whenever I think about how we're just going to be friends for life. I always thought far ahead but I always kept it to myself. Sometimes, I share it with Willow - my other best friend, except she's a girl. She's like my diary and I can trust her at all times. Of course, there's God too. I pray to Him every night and thank Him for everything that He has given me. They may not be enough but I'm grateful for them.

Bye, I'm gonna sleep now.

* * *

><p>And so the first day of school came.<p>

Me and Dawn prepared early in the morning. I was excited and nervous about school. And Dawn was just so happy about school. She loves school so much just like Willow so they get along pretty well too.

Anyways, Dawn already left for school. We go to different schools. Mine was a High School, obviously. I'm 16! Dawn was still in Elementary School. She's only 12 and she can annoy me so much. That's amazing. But I love her, though. She's my baby sister and we get along just fine.

I was packing my snacks in the kitchen when I heard my mom yell my name.

I immediately ran to the living room with my bag. I got everything prepared. Oh yeah. I am ready for school so give all the crap you can give! Sorry. That was rude. I love school whenever I feel like it.

"Yeah mom?," I asked her.

"Angel's already here," she replied as she switched channels on the TV.

I was confused. "Where is he? I can't see him."

"Oh, he just used the bathroom for a while." She glanced at Angel who was coming out of the bathroom. "Oh, there he is, honey. Now you go to school and have fun! Take care, alright?"

"Yes, mom. We will," I said while grabbing Angel out of the house.

* * *

><p>Angel always drove me to school ever since he got his car for his birthday last year. Angel's family is rich and it's on of the reasons he's so popular in school. Other reasons say that: he's handsome and hot, he's caring and thoughtful, and he has the sexiest smile you will ever see.<p>

Those things made me fall in love with him. Except the part where he's rich because I can totally live without a huge amount money, just him. It's alright.

"So, are you ready for the first day, Angel?," I asked out of the blue.

"Yeah. Sure, a little," he said, less excited. He kept his eyes on the road otherwise we might crash. Don't want that to happen.

"You're not," I said playfully.

"Yeah. I'm not," he said while laughing. He shook his head and used his right hand to mess my hair.

I didn't mind. I just fixed my hair and turned to smile at him._ I love him so much. _I always loved it when he messes my hair. I love it when he pats my head. I love it when he pinches my cheeks until they turn red. I love it when he kisses my forehead. I love it when he whispers something in my ear. I love it when he hugs me from behind and kisses my shoulder.

But we're just friends.

And thinking about it is just breaking my heart because since I was eleven, I always believed that I truly love him and we'll be nothing more than just friends. It was so impossible to become_ his_. I mean, there are a lot of girls swooning over him. They were all the popular chicks in school and I wasn't one of them. I'm just Angel's sidekick - Cordy once said.

_Speaking of Cordy. _

That's her - tall, brunette and hot. Every guy wanted her. EVERY - including Angel. He once told me that he liked her and that he wanted to ask her out. And now, they're dating. And now, I have no chances to be with him. I've accepted that but I'm still hoping for the best.

I stepped out of the car once we approached the school.

Good old Sunnydale High School.

Hi, there. Another year of temporary hell. With lots of bright sides to look at.

* * *

><p>Angel and I walked on the grounds of Sunnydale High. I looked around looking for Willow then I smiled when I spotted her with Xander. I started to run but Angel caught my hand. I turned to him. "What? I have to go, Willow's there."<p>

"Don't leave me. I'm nervous," he said seriously.

I laughed at him. "Angel. You are the hottest guy in school. What are you so nervous about? You silly kid." I paused when I saw Cordelia. My heart broke. I remembered that she's Angel's girlfriend. "Oh, look, Cordy's here. She'll help you out." I tried to pull my hand away because Cordy was coming our way but Angel wouldn't let go.

"Stay, please, sweetie?," he pleaded.

"Hey, honey," we heard Cordy say as I saw her touch Angel's chest and kiss Angel's lips. Ouch. Once again, my heart is breaking. I'm so sick of this. I'm so glad that Angel and I spent the whole summer together.

Then I quickly pulled my hand away form Angel's but he won't let go. I rolled my eyes. I pulled it away even harder this time and I ran towards Willow and Xander.

"Buffy!," I hear Angel yell.

Once I got to Willow and Xander's spot, I looked back at Angel who was making out with Cordy. I almost choked on my breath, so I turned back to my friends. "Hey, guys."

"Hey!," they said in unison as they hugged me tightly.

When we pulled away Willow spoke up. "I missed you. I wish I just spent my summer here. Stupid family vacation," she said glumly.

I smiled. "I missed you too, Will. But look on the bright side here we are again." I turned to Xander. "I missed you too, Xand."

He flashed me a goofy smile and nodded. "Likewise, Summers."

I smiled once again. These are my friends: Willow Rosenberg and Xander Harris. They're the best friends next to Angel.

"So, are there new students, guys?," I asked them. "I really didn't hear any news about that."

"Oh yeah. There are a bunch. We're being invaded here," Willow said. "But I really hope they're nice people. I mean, look at the three of us, people bully us all the time. That's one of the reasons I don't want to go to school anymore and makes me want to transfer somewhere else."

"Trust me, ladies. I tried that on my parents a million times and I'm still stuck at Sunnydale High's grounds," Xander cut in.

I shrugged. "Who didn't? I tried that crap too. My mom said that I'm being ridiculous! She didn't even know what people did to me here," I said.

Then we heard the bell ring.

"Let's go!," I said happily, grabbing Will and Xander's hands.

We went inside the huge school that was my second home. Wait - make that third because practically, my second home was Angel's house, where I slept over for a million times. So... yeah. Third home: _Sunnydale High School._

* * *

><p>I sat in Chemistry class with Willow. We had third period together so I'm lucky. She's like my walking Wikipedia - slash - Diary. She's so amazing. I love her.<p>

"Alright. I'm Miss Kelly Abrams and I will be your Chemistry teacher. First of-," our teacher was cut off with the classroom door banging open.

I smiled and blushed.

Angel. He was in my Chemistry class. Sweet.

He walked to the teacher. "I'm so sorry I'm late. Math Class took a little too long. Sorry," he explained nervously.

"I'm guessing you're Angel Connor?," Miss Abrams asked.

"Yes, ma'am," Angel said as he nodded.

"Alright find a seat for yourself so we can start."

Angel nodded and started walking to the aisle beside me and then he sat on the chair just right behind me. He leaned over and whispered. "I'm so glad you're here."

I smiled. "Me too," I whispered without turning to him.

So yeah. The class discussion went on and I'm so glad my brain understood some of it. It's just... it's all going to go away when I eat something. Yeah. Recess time is next and i am so hungry!

* * *

><p>I ran out with Willow outside the classroom as the bell rang and as the class ended. So, I was holding her hand as we walked towards the cafeteria. That's when I felt strong arms wrap around my tiny waist. Shivers went down my spine I looked up with my neck bent fully and he did too. So my face was just inches to his.<p>

"Hey," I said coyly.

He stared at my eyes. He smirked. "Hey."

"My neck is hurting," I said.

He chuckled. "Sorry, sweetie."

I twisted my neck to lose all the pain. I turned in his arms to look at him. "What's up?"

He shrugged and pulled my closer. "Nothing," he said as he kissed my forehead.

"Buffy!," I heard Willow say from a distance. I turned around to look at her.

"Wait!," I yelled back. I turned to Angel. "I gotta go. Now, let go of me."

Angel shook his head with a pout. "No letting go."

I pulled his hands away from me and ran away. I just left him there.

"Hey, Will," I said as I approached Willow. I sat down beside her.

"What was that all about?," she said cryptically.

"What was what about?," I asked her.

"Oh, you know what. That thing with Angel."

I rolled my eyes. "We're just friends, Will. You know that. I don't have a single hint of chance with him. Ever."

"Unless you tell him what you feel," she said. "You've been in love with him since you were eleven!"

I widened my eyes at her. "Keep it down, Will," I gritted through my teeth.

"Oh, sorry."


	3. I'm Invisible

I was walking in the cafeteria at lunch time, holding a tray that has a glass of juice and a cup of barbecue flavored French Fries. Yummy. Until-

Cordy shrieked in front of me. _OH, NO. I JUST SPILLED MY LUNCH ON CORDELIA CHASE. I AM A DEAD MEAT NOW. _

"Oh my God," I said. "I'm so sorry, Cordy. I didn't- I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry!" I am so in trouble. I'm so sure she's going to humiliate me and on the first day! This is going to get worse, kids.

"You little bitch! Can't you be any careful?," she yelled at my face - which she slapped moments later.

My head whipped to the side and it almost cracked my neck. I touched my cheek and damn it was bleeding. She slapped my cheek and dug it with her nails. "Oh, God, I'm bleeding," I whispered. I looked down on my feet and there was my tray and my spilled food.

"Hey, are you okay, honey?," I heard _him_ say. Thinking, that he was talking to me, I looked up. He was with Cordy. Helping her with the mess I made. Tears form behind my eyes but, as usual, I fight them back. He was using his handkerchief to wipe off everything that I spilled on Cordy's outfit.

I swallowed painfully and I swear I think everyone could hear it.

Cordy moved towards me. "You little _virgin _bitch! Do you know how much this blouse costs ? No! And next time, be careful! Watch where you're going!," she snapped at me. I was almost in tears when I heard everyone in the room laughing at me. I looked at their faces. Oh, God. This is so bad. I began to let go of the tears I've been holding back when Angel looked at me with no sign of sympathy.

"Be careful next time, Summers," he said coldly. And with that he held Cordy's hand and walked out of the room.

And I just stood there... crying. Then I realized my feet were moving. I was walking out of the cafeteria.

Once I was out, I went and took my things from my locker and went outside the school. I don't care if I don't finish my last two classes, I'm out of here.

* * *

><p>I was sitting on the blue swing and let the rain pour on me. I don't care if a lighting hit me here. I'd be okay if I die right now. It's my first day of school and I already got embarrassed, humiliated, and my best friend was col on me. I began to cry in the rain.<p>

There were people passing by. They had umbrellas and I didn't. I hope I get sick and die right now. I hope I catch a cold and a flu so hard that it'll make my body shiver and it'll make me hallucinate. And yeah, I suddenly felt my lower lip trembling in the cold. My whole body was cold. I can't feel my feet then my legs.

"Buffy!," I hear someone yell. I looked around but I didn't see anyone. It was too foggy for me too see plus I had tears in my eyes.

Then I felt my eyes close as I collapsed to the ground. I couldn't feel anything anymore. It was so cold. My eyes closed entirely then I felt _his_ arms around me. He was carrying me. Then I felt him kiss my forehead. "Buffy," he murmured. "Buffy!"

When I didn't respond, he carried me to his car. He laid me on the backseat.

* * *

><p>He carried me to his bedroom. He laid me on the floor. I can notice the surroundings I was in. My eyes were slightly open but I could barely open them. "Angel," I whispered.<p>

Then he came to me and washed the hair out of my face. "Hey, are you alright?," he asked cautiously.

I nodded. Then I felt him taking my jeans off. My heart was beating fast. I gulped. "What are you doing?," I asked in a coarse voice.

"I'm taking your clothes off, they're wet," he said comfortably.

I sat up quickly. "No!," I snapped.

He rolled his eyes at me. "It's not like I haven't seen you naked before."

Yeah. He's right he's seen me naked before - whenever we go skinny dipping. We've done that like three or four times before. There was one last year when I was fifteen. Angel's family went out with my family on a summer outing. And on the first night he asked me to go skinny dipping with him.

"So what? I get embarrassed too you know! I'm a girl, you're a guy! You're not supposed to see me naked," I said angrily but I can feel my cheeks burn.

Again, he rolled his eyes and sighed. He got up and got me a towel. "Here," he said as he handed my the towel. "Go take a warm bath. I don't want you to get sick."

"Thanks," I said. Then I stood up and headed to the bathroom in Angel's room.

* * *

><p>"Angel," I said in a small voice as I cocked my head out of the bathroom door. I saw him lying on his bed reading a book, topless and only wearing his boxers. I can feel myself getting wet but never mind that.<p>

He looked at me. "Yeah?"

"Can I borrow a shirt?," I asked coyly though he knows that I love wearing his shirts.

"Yeah, sure. I'll just get one." Then he stood up and went through his closet. He smiled as he grabbed one. He held it up so I can see it. I smiled when I saw the shirt. It said: _BE MINE._ "You wanna wear your favorite shirt?"

I grinned at him. It was my favorite shirt of his. I got that for him for his birthday last year. "Yes, please."

Then he came over the door and handed me the shirt.

I went back to the bathroom and put the shirt on. I was completely naked under the shirt because everything that I wore was wet and I'll just have to wash them later.

* * *

><p>I got out of the bathroom in Angel's shirt. "Hey," I said as I saw him watch a show on his TV.<p>

He looked at me and smiled. I suddenly forgot that I hate him. I hate him! Or maybe I was just convincing myself that I do because in reality I love him and it was so hard to stay mad at him.

I walked up to him and sat on the bed besides him. He was watching a romance movie. I rolled my eyes. He's lame at being romantic and it was cute. He always asked me for advice on how to be romantic to Cordy. And every time he did, my heart broke.

"Why are you watching a romance movie?," I asked him while he was busy watching.

Then he looked at me. "I just want to learn. How to love. How to know if she's the right one," he said quietly.

"Oh," I whispered. I always wanted myself to be the right one for him. I mean, can he not see that? Well, obviously, he can't. He can't see how much I care for him. He can't see how much I love him. He can't see that I want him the way he wants_ her._ I want to tell him that I love him and not in a friends-only way. I just want to tell him that Cordy's never gonna love him the way I want to. And all I think about is how to make him think of me and everything that we could possibly be. But he just sees right through me. He's never going to see the feelings I have for him and how deep they are.

Then I realize._ I'm invisible. _

And he'll never see how hard I'm trying not to break.


	4. I Don't Know Why We're Arguing A Lot

Anyway, yeah, we continued to watch the movie. I was lying down with him on his bed. His arm was around me and it felt great. My head was on his chest but he doesn't seem to mind. He was playing with my hair and it was sweet. And I still haven't told him that I hate him for what he did at school earlier.

So, I sat up and got out from his arm.

"Hey, what's wrong?," he asked in a worried voice.

I clasped my hands nervously. "I hate you," I said lamely. _WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, BUFFY!_, I thought. _Could you be any stupid?_

He just stared at me. Then he laughed.

I felt the tears coming so I looked down. Why was he laughing at my feelings? Right. He can't see. He'll never see. He'll never know. Ever.

Then he stopped. "Hey, I'm sorry, I-," he said. "Were you serious?"

I looked at him and it didn't matter if he could see how red my eyes are. "You think?"

He took my hand gently then shifted closer to me. "Buffy, I... what's wrong?," he asked silently.

"You. But don't worry about it. It's... it's not a big deal," I said as I shook my head.

"Tell me, sweetie. If I've done something wrong, I'll make it up to you, I swear."

I took a deep breath and got ready to tell him. "Earlier. Today at the cafeteria. When I accidentally dumped my lunch on Cordy, accidentally. She called me a bitch - a virgin bitch... and you... you didn't do anything," I said in a broken whisper because my tears were falling.

He looked at me and I say sympathy in his eyes, thank God. "Buff-"

I held my hand up and cut him off. "Let me finish."

He nodded.

"So.. yeah, like I said, you didn't do anything. You always did something whenever someone bullied me and now... you didn't... and it- it hurt... a lot. You used to save me from her. You used to defend me and protect me from them. I missed the time when you didn't care if people avoided you because you hang out with me. I missed our friendship so much. We used to be the best of friends and now.. I just feel like... you're drifting away from me," I said in a bare whisper.

He said nothing. He just pulled me close and held me. And I held onto him and he let me sob against his chest. He brushed his fingers through my hair and whispered "Sorry" multiple times until I heard him let out a sob. He, too, was crying now.

I pulled away and looked at him with my teary eyes. He looked back at me. I gave him a small smile and wiped his tears with my fingers.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I didn't - I can't believe I didn't notice that. I'm so selfish, damn it," he murmured as he sniffed. He pulled me closer to him again and kissed my cheek, my forehead and my hair a multiple times and I started to laugh quietly.

He pulled away and smiled at me. He pushed a lock of my hair out of my face. "I'm very sorry. It sounds so simple... but I mean it. I don't want to hurt you. You're my best friend. I love you."

I smiled as my heart broke. "I love you too. You know, as 'friends.'"

"Of course."

He will never see that I lied about that.

"Come on. Let's get some sleep." He pulled me down to the bed and he followed. He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned my head against his chest. "Sleep tight, okay?"

I nodded. "Will do."

Then I let that sleep devour my whole body and give me rest.

I hope everything will be better tomorrow.

* * *

><p>I woke up as I feel something pulling my hair. I open my eyes and looked up at Angel who was busy playing with my hair. He was staring at it and I think that he didn't even notice that I was awake already.<p>

"Hey," I whispered. I giggled when I saw him flinch.

"Hey. Good morning," he said sheepishly.

I got up quickly. School, again.

"Where you going, sweetie?," he asked.

I turned around. "School, Angel. We have school today."

* * *

><p>We got out of the car and when I saw everyone looking at us, I ran away. I didn't want to be humiliated anymore. I had enough yesterday. When I ran away, I heard people laughing and I started to cry.<p>

"Buffy!," I heard him yell. But I didn't turn around. I continued to run away from everyone.

I continued to run until I saw Willow and Xander, sitting on the bleachers on the football field. I wiped my tears and walked up to them.

"Hi, guys," I said silently.

Willow immediately turned to me and hugged me. "What's wrong, Buffy?," she said sympathetically.

I shook my head and sat down with them.

"Hey, Buffster. You can tell us anything. Anything at all," Xander said.

"Thanks, guys, but... it's sort of not a big deal for you," I said. It was a big deal for me. Cordy embarrassed me in front of everyone. She's always done that. Then she took Angel away from me, though he wasn't completely mine.

"Come on, Buffy. You can always trust us with your problems," Willow said. "So, what is it?"

"Cordelia. Yesterday at lunch at the cafeteria. I accidentally spilled my lunch on her and Angel didn't stand up for me when Cordy told everyone that I was still a virgin and a bitch. I think he never did anymore since he got into a relationship with Cordelia last year," I explained.

"Buffy, I'm so sorry. We didn't know what happened yesterday. But I heard people talk about you being a, you know, virgin," Willow said sheepishly.

"Okay, this is awkward. I'm just gonna go," Xander said, feeling uneasy around us talking about my virginity. He stood up and said, "I'm gonna see you guys later, okay?"

Willow and I nodded. "Yeah."

And we watched him leave. Then the bell rang.

Willow and I looked at each other and got up and headed to class.

* * *

><p>I was walking down the hall to Math, first period, when an arm grabbed mine. I turned around to see Angel. I didn't even hear him call my name, if ever he did. "Hey,"I said quietly.<p>

"Why'd you run away from me earlier?," he asked, slightly annoyed.

I forcefully removed my arm from his grip and took a deep breath. "Are you blind, Angel? People were laughing at me and obviously, you didn't see how much it hurt to be laugh at because I'm still a virgin!,"I yelled and I didn't care if people heard. I had enough. This has been happening for a year.

He looked down then looked me in the eyes. "Buffy. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. You're always sorry. You always feel sorry for me," I said bitterly and walked away from him. I just hope he understood why I walked away. But he didn't. He caught up with me and held my hand gently. I turned to him with my eyebrow raised. "What now?"

"Please just... forgive me?," he asked coyly.

"Forgive you? I already forgave you last night because of you not standing up for me," I said in a serious voice. "You know what? People are starting to stare. You better stay away from _the loser _before you become one." And with that I walked away, glad that he didn't follow me anymore.

* * *

><p>Then third period came.<p>

_CHEMISTRY._ Damn it, what a nightmare. Angel is in this class with me. Speaking of the so-called best friend, that hot stuff just walked in. Did I just say that? Forget it. Anyway he walked in and we caught each other's gaze. I blushed. Damn. I'm mad at him.

He sat beside me and I just looked at him in disbelief. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He looked at me and kissed me cheek. He pulled away and smiled. "Sitting beside my best friend."

Okay, I totally forgive him. He just kissed me and my body suddenly felt lighter.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at him, smiling brightly. He smirked. "So... forgive me? Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. Tonight, 7 o'clock, at the Espresso Pump. Just you and me. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay. Weird but okay. Pick me up?"

He chuckled and pinched my cheek. "Sweetie, your house it like a step away from mine. There wouldn't be any trouble picking you up."

"Unless you forget about it," I said glumly.

"Never."

I smiled as he held my hand and gave it a small squeeze. I squeezed his hand back and then smiled at me.

Moments later he let go of my hand. I looked at him - he was smiling. So I smiled too. Then I remembered, it's not a date. Nope. He has a girlfriend and I'm just the best friend that he needs to make up with by going to the Espresso Pump.

But a part of me just didn't care.

Angel and I are spending time together and it means a lot. And I'm kinda shallow but I'm always like that when I'm around him or not. I love him.


	5. Again, What's With The Arguing?

Later that evening, I was completely nervous. Though I don't have a reason to be. It was not going to be a date. I have to keep reminding myself that. I looked at myself at the mirror. Well, it wasn't a date so... I only wore a simple black T-shirt that has the Superman logo and my black jeans. I smiled at myself. I look so hot and so cute! And so skinny. That's why I need to eat A LOT. Thanks to Angel, I'm going to eat lots of cupcakes from the Espresso Pump.

Then the doorbell rang downstairs. I quickly ran out of my room and down the stairs. _Angel_. I smiled brightly. My brows furrowed. Why the hell was he carrying a rose?

"Hey, this is for you," he said while holding up the rose.

"Yeah?," I asked coyly as I walked towards him taking the rose in my hands.

"Yep. It's for you. I know you love roses."

I looked at him and smiled. "Thanks. I'm gonna put this on the vase, okay?"

Angel nodded and went over the couch to sit down for a while.

I walked into the kitchen and put the rose on a vase. Then I went back to the living room. Angel's head shot up at me and he quickly smiled. He went to me and held my hand. "Ready?," he asked me.

"Yep."

* * *

><p>I sat across Angel at the round table at the Espresso Pump. And yes, I was eating cupcakes. Angel insisted that everything was on him so I went for three chocolate cupcakes.<p>

"Thanks, Angel," I said.

"For what?," he asked while taking a sip from his coffee.

"You know, this. Making it up to me and all. Especially these babies," I replied while holding up a cupcake.

Angel chuckled at me. "You're really hungry, huh?"

"Yes!," I exclaimed. Then I took another bite on my cupcake, one after the other.

While I was chewing, I saw Angel's brows furrow. "What?"

He smiled and licked his thumb and took of the smudge of chocolate from my face. Then his thumb brushed over my lips which send shivers through my whole body. And at that moment, I wanted him to kiss me and finally find out how I really feel about him. But then again, reality check, there will never be us.

I stared up him shyly as he brushed his finger against my skin. He didn't remove it so sudden. He cupped my cheek and caressed it before giving it a friendly pat.

I smiled bitterly but he didn't see it. And he probably never will.

We continued to stare at each other after he removed his hand from my face.

Then I looked down. I was so shy and so in love with him.

"Do you wanna go now?," he asked. Then I looked up at him. "I was planning on taking you to this place I just found out about. It's nice there and I wanna take you there."

"Oh. O-okay. Go."

He took my hand and helped my too my feet. Then he led me to his car.

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?," I asked him with a tone of interest.<p>

"You'll just have to see. You're lucky. You're the first person I'm taking there," he said.

My spirit lifted up. Me? First? Wow. Now I'm in love with him even more. "Really?," I asked sweetly.

"Yeah. You're my best friend. You always go first. Well, after family, of course."

"Of course. Family always comes first," I said.

He looked at me and smiled.

* * *

><p>We sat by the pond and dipped our feet in it. It felt cold but refreshing.<p>

Angel and I were looking at the stars. There were millions of them. Like guys. There's many of them but there's the only one who's beautiful enough for me to love. And that's Angel. Beautiful just not on the outside but on the inside as well. I looked at him. He was staring seriously at the stars. I wonder if he's thinking about me. I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, right," I said quietly.

"What?," I heard Angel say.

"Huh?"

"You said something..."

"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing at all," I said.

He got his feet out of the water and turned to me. "Tell me. Please. I need to hear you out. Plus, I'm missing out on you lately."

I sighed loudly and shook my head. "Not gonna happen."

"Buffy, please, this is a perfect time to tell me what you're thinking."

"But not exactly the perfect condition," I murmured. He has a girlfriend! I just can't tell him that I love him. I don't want to ruin his relationship with Cordy or else I'll be literally dead.

"Excuse me?," he said with a hint of annoyance in his voice. I must be getting in his nerves right now. But I can't tell him! I could never. I hope he doesn't pry too much.

"Nothing."

He stood up. "Look, I want to talk to you, okay? I don't know if I still know you!"

"Well, you don't have the time to get to know me!," I yelled as I got up to my feet. "You're always with Cordy. And I understand that."

"That's why I took you here, alright. I want to talk to you. To - to spend time with you a little when I'm not with Cordy. You may think that I'm forgetting about our friendship but the truth is I'm not. And I won't. So, please, tell me."

"No." I shook my head.

"Why the hell not?"

"I think it could ruin our friendship," I said quietly. I don't know if I'm ready to tell him but I've been carrying this burden for almost five years or more. Maybe it'll feel better if I tell him, though. But still, I can't risk our friendship by telling him that I love him. Then there's just this part of me that wants to tell him.

"Why? H - how? Tell me now," Angel pleaded.

I looked up to him with scared eyes. "Are you sure you want to... to know?"

He just nodded. "Shoot."

I took a deep breath and fought the tears that were threatening to fall out. I took another on and dropped my head. "I don't know-"

"Just tell me."

I took another deep breath. I can feel that painful lump on my throat. "I love you," I finally said. I looked at him and he was just staring at me with confused eyes.

"What?"

"I love you and not in... the, uh, friends.. kind of.. way but in the, uh, you know,... the... serious kind of... way?," I said coyly.

He continued to stare at me. "What?"

"See? I told you this was a bad idea! You won't listen and now you're confused," I yelled.

"How could you? How could you possibly love me? I have a girlfriend, Buffy."

"I know that! And I've accepted that but... I'm so sorry if I love you." I paused. "I didn't want you to know, Angel. I didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"I think you just did."


	6. Staying Away

Okay. This is like between life or death now. Here standing under the stars in a place I didn't know, the guy I love the most was furious at me. I don't know what just happened. It's like... I wasn't even there and my mind wasn't connected to my mouth. Damn. I cannot believe I just told him what I _really REALLY _feel. But... Yeah. I feel lighter. I felt like the world just dropped from my shoulders. On the other hand, I wasn't feeling good. My heart crawled its way to my throat and I can barely breathe. Literally. It's so cold out here.

So. He just said I ruined our _friendship. _RUINED. I usually here that word on the news. Sometimes in school when those weird nerds accidentally destroy their projects that they did for a lifetime or so. But... I have _never _heard it used in a friendship. Especially a friendship like this... This_ was_, wait what? Yeah. _WAS. _This was the friendship I kept in my life for years and I ruined it. Yes. I admit it. I did ruin it. I wanted to keep it stronger and stronger. It's just... some people came along. Namely, Cordy. I think it's just her, though.

ANYWAYS, he just continued to stare at me with his cold chocolate eyes. He's mad and I can tell. His brows were almost knitting with rage. I waited for him to yell at me. I waited for him to slap me hard on my beautiful face (Yes, I am beautiful).

"Buffy. You_ can't_ love me. EVER." He said that like it was the worst thing that he's ever encountered. He let out a LOUD sigh. "As a brother, yes, you can but to love me as... you know..." He shook his head. "Never. Please. Y-you know I love _somebody else._"

That phrase - _somebody else. _It made my heart break and suddenly the world was back up on my shoulders again. The hot tears were threatening to fall out from my eyes again. I clenched my fists so hard that my nails were digging in my palm. I could almost feel my hands bleeding.

"I know," I said very quietly and I can tell he couldn't even hear me.

He leaned down closer to meet my eyes but I just kept looking down. "Buffy, look at me."

I wouldn't look at him. He hated me.

"Buffy," he said with a tone of ANNOYANCE. Yep, he really hated me. I know I talk like it's not a big deal but it is. It hurts to be with him when he's thinking of _somebody else. _

I still wouldn't. I can't just look him in the eyes after what I'd said. He was too mad and I was pretty much embarrassed. It took a whole lot of my guts to do that. So... I looked up and my eyes narrowed to see his angry eyes. I blushed in shame.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?," I said quietly.

"It. You know... Loving me as... that," he said that like it was a bad thing. Or probably the worst.

Of course I can't say yes to that. I have loved him since I was 11 and there's no taking that away. I've been here with him all along and I fell for him. It's not wrong to love, right? But still... he doesn't like it.

"Please, Buffy."

I shook my hear lightly and the tears were finally falling. "I can't."

"What? You have to stop it, please! I love Cordy and I love you too but just as a sister, you know that!" I never heard him yell like that. He never yelled at me. My heart broke at the ton of his voice and the tears were falling faster. "You can't expect me to love you like _that._"

"I know that."

"You do? Do you really?" He was annoyed, alright.

"I know that, okay? I wanted to stay away from you badly but I can't! You're my friend! I was afraid that no one will take care of you when I'm gone. But... you know what? I was wrong. You're a big boy now. You're not the 5 year old boy I used to be friends with. Not anymore."

"So why are you still here?"

Okay. That hurt! He should be grateful that I'm still here for him! If it weren't for me, he wouldn't be the most popular guy in school. I gave him advice to get through school easily. Fortunately, he did and unfortunately, I didn't. I couldn't. It was hard to be a loner. That's why I always seek help from my only friend. And I lost him. Because I loved him. So much.

"Buffy. Do me a favor and _stay away from me. _Will you?," he said in his mad voice.

I just nodded. I didn't understand what was going on but he wanted me out of his life. He didn't want to be friends with a loser. I mean who does? I can't even stand being one. And when you are one, you just want to be loved. I thought I already got that. I think I did before but I lost it. Now I feel like I had the worst life ever.

I looked to my left. I wanted to leave this place. So, I did. I ran away from him before he could even react. I ran so fast that I can barely feel my feet. They were hurting but I didn't care. I wanted them to take me as far away as they can. I didn't know where I was going but I just wanted to be gone. I can't be near him anymore. He wanted me to stay away from here even if it's not easy, I'll try to deal for him. It's all for him.

I will try to be strong for him.

Even if it breaks me.


	7. My Life Is A Misfortune

A month has passed.

Gladly, I lived through it... almost through it, though. I lived under Cordy's rage all month. I tried so hard telling her that nothing was going on between me and Angel. Okay, it was kind of easy because there was really NOTHING going on. But that didn't stop her to make my life miserable.

Anyways, she wasn't the only one making me miserable. I had an accident two weeks ago. I could never forget it. I always had nightmares about it at night and I just end up waking up covered in cold sweat, crying so miserably.

_Flashback: Two weeks ago..._

_I was walking down the street because I had nothing to do at home. My mom wasn't home and my dad wasn't there at all. I was kicking a rock that was blocking my path. Until I realized I was at the park. I walked down to the swings and sat on my usual spot. Suddenly, I cried. Then I heard footsteps behind me. I stood up and turned to see who it was. It was a guy in a black shirt and blue pants. _

_"Hey, princess," his voice said. That scared me so much I wanted to run away but my feet lost the will to do that. _

_"Hey, to you, too. What do you want?," I said. I tried to be brave and not be scared but that didn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do. _

_After I said that, everything went black._

* * *

><p><em>I wanted to open my eyes but they felt so heavy. My head felt like it was going to explode. I can taste the iron content of blood on my lips. Is it... is it mine? I had no idea. I try to remember what had happened to me. I shut my eyes tighter, trying hard to remember what happened and how I get to this place. I opened my eyes to look around me. All was a blur. My eyes were hurting and I could tell they were bloodshot. <em>

_I continued to scan the room: White. Everything was white. My hunches were the hospital or heaven. Either way. Suddenly, I hear beeping sounds._

_Hospital. _

_Yep. I can smell the usual hospital smell. I gulped and OW! that hurt. I looked at the door as I heard it open. Luckily, my vision was a lot clearer now. Thank God. _

_"Buffy," _he _said._

_My heart caught up in my throat. What the hell was he doing here? He wanted out, right? Then why is he here? He's supposed to be with Cordy or his family but not me. I flinched as he put his hand over mine. He squeezed it lightly and I felt shivers running down my spine. I nervously breathed in some air. _

_"What are you doing here?," I managed to croak at. Yes. CROAK. Like a frog. My throat hurts too. I don't know why... Wait, I screamed before I was here at this place. Whatever happened to me, I want to remember. _

_"Your mom called me so I came as fast as I can. I was with Cordy and her parents so... Sorry if I hadn't gotten here a little earlier," he whispered. _

_I was confused. Either he was doing this because of my mom or... that. Okay. I know he's not here for me. He's here because my mom told him to do so. So why is he looking so concerned about me? He's not supposed to do that. _

_"Do you know what happened?," I asked him as I pulled my hand away because I felt so uncomfortable with him doing that. I mean, he and I weren't friends any longer. _

_He shook his head and bit his lower lip. He looked so cute when he does that but never mind that. "All I know is that some kid found you lying on the park bleeding. He said he saw a man in front of you holding a... a knife? Buffy, do you remember?"_

_Okay the word knife just scared me to death. Did that guy just stab me? Now, I'm thinking worse. I didn't want worse. _

_I flinched at the sudden memory that showed up in my mind. He _did _stab me. My hand flew to my stomach. I looked down at it and a thick layer of bandage was wrapped around my stomach. I noticed the blood showing at the bandage. I must have been stabbed twice or more. Why would someone want me dead? I had no idea. I bet it was just for fun. I started to sob quietly. My life was miserable enough. I didn't want more misfortunes because I think my life already is one. Or worse. _

_"Hey, don't cry, please," Angel whispered as he reached out to hug me. I didn't want his pity. I didn't want him either but I could use a hug right now just let him know that I'm hurting so bad. When he finally had his arms around me, he carefully helped me sit up. It hurt to move. My stitches weren't doing any better so I had a hard time doing anything but lie down. He hugged me tightly but gently. He ran his hand up and down my back and the other brushing my blond hair. He must be so annoyed because I was crying on his shirt. _

_I missed this. _

_I missed what we used to be. What he used to be. _

_I just hope he knows what he still means to me after all what's happened. But at the same time, I'm still hurting because were not friends anymore._


	8. God Is All I Need

October.

New month to attempt to survive life. Nothing's changed. I was still the biggest loser in my high school. I knew this was going to be hard.

I just got out of the hospital 3 days ago because I just wanted to. I'm not a big fan of hospitals. They scare me. I'm not exaggerating or anything but I really hate hospitals. It was like my second home but I never got used to it. I was a sick kid back then so I spent lots of time with injections with long needles and blood. When I got older, I promised to take good care of myself so I don't have to go to hospitals anymore. And gladly, I'm out. So everything's fine. I get to sleep in my room in my own house again.

Enough of my hospital phobia.

Right now, I'm sitting on this bench outside the building eating my sandwich since I didn't have a place inside the cafeteria anymore. Everyone would say that the seats were saved for someone so... I always ended up here since I came back.

This day was going _too_ slow. Willow and Xander were nowhere to be found so I've been alone since this morning. I didn't see Will in Chemistry class, either but Angel was there. I didn't react when he came in the room. I didn't mind him again. I seriously didn't want to because it would just hurt if I did.

"LOSER!," I heard from a distance. And I was pretty sure it was referring to me. I was alone out here. I drank some water and closed my eyes. I looked at my watch and realized it was time to go back to class now. Well, what the heck. I had Algebra for the next class.

I got up from the bench and headed inside the building. I walked to my Math class with no trouble, thank God. Usually people would flood these corridors. I was just lucky to be done with my lunch 20 minutes early.

* * *

><p>I sat down on a seat at the back of the room and took out my Math notebook and my pen. I opened my Math notebook and looked at some of our past lessons just to catch up and remember everything I've learned. I turned a page and looked at it. Something caught my eye. <em>His <em>name was written in my notebook. My heart broke at that sight. I tried so hard to forget him but I just couldn't do it. He's been such a special person to me and I can't let special things go. Just thinking about him made my heart break and my stitches hurt. Ouch. Seriously they're hurting a bit but never mind them. They'll pass. The doctor said so.

My head shot up as I heard the ring bell. As soon as I did, I heard a bajillion kids scram from the cafeteria and out to flood the hallways with screams, shouts, and every insult you don't want to hear.

A bunch of kids started to go in the room. They didn't notice me and I was okay with that. Either they notice me or I'm dead meat. I didn't want to be noticed until Angel sat beside me. I couldn't breathe now. I was so nervous whenever he- WAIT. He's not in this class. I looked at him and he at me. He gave me a small tight smile but I didn't give on back. And he can't blame me. He wanted me to stay away, didn't he? He was the one to say that and not me. I just agreed so he doesn't hate me.

"Hey," he said. I tried so hard not to look at him and gladly, I didn't! What. A. Relief.

The teacher came in and she went on with our lessons.

* * *

><p>Boom.<p>

Day ended. I went to bed and rested. My stitches suddenly hurt but I tried to hang in there. I closed my eyes tightly, wishing to make the pain go away. I clutched my hand with the bed sheet and my other hand went to feel my stitches. I ran my hand gently over it just to get rid of that bitch of a pain.

Lord, take it away.

I can't carry any more burdens for the day. It's killing me. Ugh. It actually pained me to see Angel and not to see my only friends left.

Suddenly, I hear giggling and laughing sounds outside the house. I sat up carefully and went to my bedroom window. I looked down to see Cordy and Angel tickling each other. My heart broke at what I saw. I continued looking at them, though.

But not to worry. I'll be out of school next year and I won't be able to see them anymore. I'll hope for the best with my life and chase the dream I always wanted: to be an Architect. Yes, that's my dream job. My Mom finds it a bit odd but I told her that this is what I wanted so she ended up being happy for me. That wasn't the only thing I wanted for the future. I also wanted Angel to be a part of it and I just ruined that part of my dream. I told him that I loved him and he hated me for it. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him what I want to say to him. Just for him to understand how much I'm hurting for him.

I feel the tears coming out of my eyes again and I let them fall. Why was he hurting me this much? I didn't want things to end up this way. But God wanted it to be this way so, I go with His way. Maybe something better may come along. I know that God takes away things from our lives but replaces them with something even better. I always remind myself that because right now, God is all I need.


End file.
